Darth Vader and Jersey (respectively) walk along the New Jersey Transit railroad tracks somewhere due west of Short Hills. Every few feet they toss a penny over their shoulders onto the track and unleash an evil snicker of glee. A train approaches behind them. As the Darths turn and watch the train derails in a huge explosive din. From out of the cloud of rubble emerges a figure. Abraham Lincoln strides out of the carnage with terrifying purpose, brandishing an old civil war sword behind him.

Kung Fu Master Abe: Fuck fourscore and however many years ago for behold: the time of redemption is at hand.

Darth Vader: Do you know this funny looking man?

Darth Jersey: Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States, born in a log cabin in Kentucky, raised in Illinois, married to an insane degenerate: one Mary Todd Lincoln, father of four sons one of which survived to maturity, assassinated by John Wilkes Booth in the Ford Theater on Friday April 14th 1865, and an appalingly ugly man.

Kung Fu Master Abe: Your father has really ruined the magic of learning for you.

Darth Vader: What about his beard?

Darth Jersey: What about it? Do your own field work.

Kung Fu Master Abe: Enough glib bantering. The time has come, Julie. Time to take your future into your own hands. I shall guide you back to the path of righteousness.

Darth Jersey: I've tried it already. The fishsticks are awful.

Darth Vader: And we have a previous engagement...we need to pee in all the water fountains at the local high school.

Kung Fu Master Abe: With your willing slide into depravity you have broken faith with all the values that have made you who you are today.

Darth Jersey: Those values you speak of have brought me to this precipice; it is with these same values that I have made the life choices that I have. I haven't broken with anything...my past informs my present and guides my future.

Kung Fu Master Abe: Your selective past. You have thrown judgement and caution to the wayside, electing instead to chase your newest shitty pipe dream. This isn't a future, this is a diversion from embracing a future. You're living a fantasy which you must one day have a rude awakening from. Turn back now...all signs ahead are dead ends...apart from one a few miles down that says slippery when wet.

(He and Darth Vader cross swords. Darth Jersey momentarily ponders the likelihood and logistics of a steel blade as an effective couterbalance to a lightsaber. She ignores this obnoxious intrusion of reality and the action continues.)

Darth Vader: Fuck you, Mr. Log man, the skinny chick is with me.

Kung Fu Master Abe: I'm not talking to your plastic coated Fisher Price delusion Julie, I speak to your conscience. Reclaim your birthright: be sensible for once in your life. (Darth Jersey picks her nose) Ah! You hesitate...you know of what I speak.

Darth Jersey: What the hell, man? You're ABRAHAM LINCOLN, what does that mean to me? You weren't even the real civil rights champion. You had no intention of going to war when you came into office, and your Gettysburg address only promised freedom to the slaves living below the mason dixson line who effectively couldn't be freed until that land was retaken...it was an empty promise. I see no reason to listen to you.

Kung Fu Master Abe: I was a trendsetter for my time, you need to view things in context. A radical in my time is tantamount to a George W. Bush in yours. You make no allowances for rate of exchange.

Darth Jersey: I shouldn't have to. Real effective social change doesn't move at that glacial pace.

Kung Fu Master Abe: If it is to move safely, it has to. In our reality the fast-paced visionaries you venerate are nailed to planks of wood and left in the desert to die.

Darth Jersey: Well Vader, what are you waiting for? Are you going to smite him or what?

Darth Vader: I'm sorry, I think I pulled a muscle when I was yawning at that boring crap you were saying about five lines up...smite him yourself.

Darth Jersey: But my lightsaber's still on backorder. No honor amongst badass Sith lords, then?

Darth Vader: No, not as such.

Kung Fu Master: You see? This is the kind of alliance you have made yourself: an alliance without security, without any promise of return. Can you live without that safety net?

Darth Vader: Well, your hat is dumb.

Darth Jersey: Who are you to dictate my chosen path to me?

Kung Fu Master Abe: I am your high school diploma. I am your parents still holding onto your third grade report card. I am the voice in the back of your head screaming at you to do your history reading instead of making little clay sculptures. I am your overwhelming sense of guilt every time you pay a credit card bill with your daddy's bank card.

Darth Vader: And I am Darkwing Duck.

Darth Jersey: You are an entry level job in accounting. You are a plain white house in a development community in Conneticut. You are a marriage with a prenup and a minivan. (Snatches Darth Vader's saber and runs Abraham Lincoln through the heart with it) And I choose evil.

Kung Fu Master Abe: So...you have chosen...the way of pain.

Darth Jersey: Wrong epic trilogy. (Abraham falls to the ground, mortally wounded)

Kung Fu Master Abe: There...will...be...others...

Darth Jersey: There's just one thing I need to know, Mr. Lincoln...the hat?

Kung Fu Master Abe: Not nearly as big in real life....sorry. (Expires.)

Darth Jersey: Man...elementary school is all bullshit.